


tomorrow you'll still be here

by untilthenlive



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: KuroFai, KuroFai Week, KuroFai Week 2020, M/M, Nihon Country, Post-Celes, like RIGHT when they land there., lots of very contemplative fai, not safe for newbies, the classic trope of watching over the person you love after they just almost died for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27790153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untilthenlive/pseuds/untilthenlive
Summary: What a strange feeling, he thinks.To finally, finally, reach the end - different though it may be from the one he'd been climbing toward his whole life - and to suddenly be ripped violently past it, into a future that he never believed he was meant to be in.Or: Fai deals with the aftermath of Celes.Content Warning: Description of shock, dissociation, panic attacks, suicidal ideation. Mention of violence, limb loss and blood loss. BUT: Nothing worse than in canon itself!Written for KuroFai Week 2020, Day 7 - "Vulnerability".(Title taken from "July" by BOY.)
Relationships: Fay D. Fluorite/Kurogane
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	tomorrow you'll still be here

**Author's Note:**

> There were a lot of things that I wanted to figure out with this. First, what must it feel like to live your whole life thinking you're meant to die in one specific, unchangeable moment, and then to suddenly find yourself alive AFTER that moment ends? I think it might send one into a literal, medical state of shock, or a panic attack. I think one would probably be dissociating a little bit in that situation.
> 
> Second, what was going through Fai's mind when he decided to pay the price of his magic for Kurogane's replacement arm? How and when did he decide he was going to? How long was Kurogane asleep for? Definitely at least a few days. That's a lot of blood loss and shock, yo.
> 
> I just was really interested in those panels that show the moment they landed in Japan, and I wanted to see Fai's perspective of that moment and what came right afterwards. So, this is that! Enjoy :3

What a strange feeling, he thinks.

To finally,  _ finally, _ reach the end - different though it may be from the one he'd been climbing toward his whole life - and to suddenly be ripped violently past it, into a future that he never believed he was meant to be in.

(Stranger still, he thinks later, that it's happened twice now.)

When they finally land in a clumsy heap on the ground, everything is happening too fast. Kurogane is unconscious beneath him, far too pale and still losing blood. Somewhere nearby, Syaoran is saying something - he can't hear him though, his vampire senses are in overdrive and his heart is in a panic, his own blood rushing in his ears and his vision tunneling in. Moments ago, he was sure he was going to die -  _ ready _ , even, had accepted it - and now Kurogane is the one who's dying. It doesn't make any sense.

He can't think, can barely breathe - though he's vaguely aware of the tears running down his face. His hands shake as he reaches for the man below him, touching his shoulder, his face, his chest, desperately looking for  _ something  _ he can do - wake him up, stop the bleeding, turn back time just a few minutes,  _ anything. _ He'd never been able to heal with his magic - and even if he could, he can feel those powers dwindling, fading - but he's never wished for the ability more desperately than  _ right now. _

But he doesn't have it. Fai is helpless, and Kurogane is  _ dying.  _

There are more people, all of a sudden - or maybe they had been there already, he has no idea - a whole procession of people in masks and robes and he has no idea who they are, but he knows he's suddenly being pulled away from Kurogane, and they're taking him away,  _ they're taking Kurogane away from him - _ and he feels his claws ready to unsheathe themselves, to tear these people to shreds, to get them away from him, to -

"Don't worry," a voice says - and he stops.

He doesn't know why, but there's a quality to that voice that calms him, for just a fraction of a heartbeat.

"Kurogane will not die."

In those words, he hears an inexplicable truth. He doesn't quite believe them, but there’s something there that gives him pause. He notices, then, the gentle hand on his cheek, and he's still shaking as he turns his head to see Tomoyo smiling down at him.

_ Why is Tomoyo here?  _ is the first coherent thought that has run through his mind since arriving here...  _ here _ . All of a sudden, he realizes - this is Japan. This is Princess Tomoyo. This is  _ Kurogane's _ Tomoyo.

The second coherent thought that runs through Fai's mind is -  _ no wonder he wanted to come back to her so badly. _ There is a kindness in her eyes, a quality to her mere presence, that calms Fai significantly - not enough that he's not still shaking or that his racing mind quiets, but he can see and hear clearly again, and that's something.

"Where are they taking him?" Fai asks, shocked to hear his own voice and surprised to hear it sounds much calmer than he feels.

"To the infirmary," she says. “He’ll be alright.” And he supposes that makes sense. Tomoyo wouldn't let people who wished Kurogane harm take him anywhere, and the only place he needed to be right now was in the hands of healers. Fai feels a pang of guilt, at the desire he'd felt just moments ago to rip those healers apart in his defense, and it's this that reminds him to suck in a steadying breath.

When he lets it out, he realizes - really realizes for the first time - that he is  _ here. _

He is not dead in the place of his brother, not dead by Ashura's hand, not even dead by  _ Kurogane's _ hand - not alone in a quickly closing and darkening world with seconds to spare - he's here _. _

He's...  _ here. _ In the future. No - in the present.  _ Now. _

He looks down at his own hands, covered in blood, still shaking - and as he turns them over he feels strangely absent, as if someone else were moving his body for him. The tears still streaming down his cheeks feel hot, but he can't seem to control them, can't even seem to blink them away.

He is vaguely aware of the feeling that he is going to be sick.

"Fai-san?" He hears Syaoran's voice, and looks up. The boy is looking at him in concern, and Sakura's lifeless body is laying in his arms, and Mokona is sitting silently on his shoulder, tears of their own leaking out the corners of those worried, shut eyes.

Kurogane is off somewhere being rushed into a healing room, the kids are here, and he...

_ He's here too. _

He barely registers Tomoyo gently placing a hand on his arm - hears, but doesn't process, her suggestion to follow her to the castle so they can take care of their wounds as well. His head pounds, and after a few moments, his legs seem to unfold of their own accord. He stands, and follows behind Tomoyo and the others.

They are talking - something about Sakura - but he can’t focus on anything but the ground in front of him as he walks.

He is brought to someone to tend to his wounds - not his own first priority, but he can't seem to tell his own body to resist the care. He is given clean clothes and water and a meal, and asked if he needs anything else until Tomoyo can check on him, and then -

And then he finds himself alone, in an empty room in a country he doesn't know.

A country he doesn't know, but despite everything, he somehow feels...  _ safe _ in.

He doesn't know how long he sits there, trying to come back to himself. It feels like ages before he can regain any control of his own muscles - and when he does finally find himself able to move his own head, he slowly looks up. His gaze is somehow naturally drawn to his side, to an open screen to the outdoors. It’s sometime in the evening. He blinks a few times, takes in a breath.

He smells the aroma of healing tinctures and balms, but there's a hint of fresh flowers, too - the ones he can see growing just outside the door, beyond the veranda. They're red, and when Fai closes his eyes, their color stays, but their shape changes - transforms into eyes that pierce his soul and look down at him in desperation, refusing to look away, refusing to let go.

When he opens them again, he suddenly feels like he’s woken up. He’s acutely aware of his surroundings, now, and his senses don’t feel muffled anymore. It feels as though he's waking up from a dream - not quite a nightmare, but he can't think of another word for how strange and disoriented he feels.

He looks out the screen door again, and the sky is a deep purple, the sun close to setting somewhere on the horizon opposite to the one he’s facing. A breeze blows and sounds the chimes hanging from the ceiling. For some reason, he feels tears prickling at his eyes again, though they don't fall this time.

He turns his head to look around the room he's in, finally able to actually  _ move,  _ to get a sense of where he is. This must be some sort of sleeping quarters, not part of the infirmary - his wounds hadn't been grave enough to warrant that, and right now there is someone in much more dire need of care than him.

Someone who had put himself in that position willingly, to make sure that Fai would be here.

Fai closes his eyes again, unable to put a name to what he is feeling.

He still can't fully wrap his head around the present, nor the fact that he's in it. For all his life, there had been a single point in the distance, a single future he was reaching towards. There had been no other possible end - giving his stolen life back to his brother, that was all he had lived for. And he was  _ ready _ for it.

Or, at least, he’d thought he was - until it was obvious that it was too late.

When that failed, even that wasn’t the end - when Celes was closing, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to leave. But he would’ve done  _ anything _ to get the others out, if it was the last damn thing he did. And he’d been ready to die all over again - begging Kurogane to just  _ go, _ to leave him there and escape.

He vividly remembers the very moment Kurogane finally let go of his arm. It felt like a pin dropping after months of dangling over the precipice. It was a lifetime’s worth of emotions all slamming into his body at once, like the proverbial life flashing before one’s eyes, just before death. He’d resigned himself a long time ago to the fact that no one could save him, that no one would  _ want _ to save him, from his fateful last moments. But somewhere along the way, he’d subconsciously built up a hope that maybe, if one person could do it... just  _ one _ … then it would’ve been  _ him. _

When he’d let go, then, it was like a rope snapping, somewhere. He  _ knew _ he didn’t deserve to be saved, to be cared about, to be taken along. But it was a relief, too - at least Kurogane wouldn’t die for his sake. At least he’d be safe, far from here - far from  _ him _ \- at last. At least Fai would die knowing all along that there was nothing that could’ve been done to change anything - that this was the end that was fated for him all along, and not even someone like Kurogane could do anything about it.

And then - 

And then.

He still can’t wrap his mind around what had happened. He assumes it was some sort of exchange - that was the arm he’d enchanted, after all, it had some magic in it - so that explains  _ how _ it worked. But what he can’t figure out is  _ why _ Kurogane did it. Why in the world he would do something so absolutely reckless, so stupidly unpredictable, so  _ foolishly  _ desperate.

Fai had always been one step ahead of him, one step ahead of them all - he’d known what was going to happen, more or less, the entire time he’d known them. He’d known what the end would hold for him.

But that had all changed in a single instant.

And now, here he is, still trying to reconcile the fact that Fai, the real Fai, is gone for good - and _he_ is _here -_ and for once, he has absolutely no idea what is going to come next.

It's… it’s nothing short of terrifying.

Maybe that's what he's feeling - fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown. For all the secret knowledge he'd held onto throughout the years, this is the first time he has  _ no _ idea what the future holds... and he's out of his element. He’d never expected to  _ be  _ in this future, let alone to have to worry about what would happen in it. He'd spent lifetimes trapped on a one-way track to sorrow, with no hope of being freed, and yet -

_ Oh. _

_ Oh,  _ he thinks, his eyes opening.

Oh. Free.

That's the feeling.

He's _ free. _

He looks outside again, and it looks somehow different. Stars are starting to come out in the ever-expansive sky. The air is warm and clear, and the crickets are chirping. Those red flowers are swaying in the breeze, bright and beautiful and  _ alive. _

Suddenly, he  _ needs _ to see Kurogane.

Fai scrambles to stand up, stumbling to his feet. He all but runs to the door, fumbling for the handle, and when he frantically slides the door to the side, he -

\- is met face-to-face with Princess Tomoyo, her hand raised in the air, just about to knock.

Fai freezes, heart still racing. After a moment of surprise, she smiles, and lowers her hand. He straightens, a little embarrassed, and lowers his head in respect.

"I see you're feeling a little better," she says, a small amount of mischief in her otherwise regal expression.

Fai actually blushes now, and nods. "Thank you," he says, "for your hospitality."

Tomoyo smiles and waves her hand. "Nonsense," she replies. "Any friends of Kurogane's are friends of ours."

Fai tries to hide his heightened interest at the mention of Kurogane, but when she turns up her brow in sympathy, he can immediately tell he can slip nothing past Tomoyo.

(He wonders if she's who  _ he _ got that from - that innate and almost uncomfortable sense of  _ knowing _ what people are thinking.)

Her smile turns kinder as she looks up at Fai. "Would you like to come see him?"

Fai's heart speeds up a little. "Is he awake?"

"No," she says, and he frowns. "But he is doing better."

Fai is about to ask her to lead the way, but suddenly, a sense of dread washes over him.

He wants to see Kurogane, he does - more than anything. But part of him is... scared, almost. Of what, he's not entirely sure. He just knows that his entire horrible past was just broadcast to the man, and he could very well hate him for what he'd done. If not for that, then for almost staying behind to die, for costing him an arm, for so many things. He knows he’s not even awake, but... 

He doesn’t want to burden him with his presence, if it’s not wanted.

"Would he even want me there?" Fai asks, his voice barely a whisper.

Tomoyo is silent for a moment. Then she sighs.

"Oh, Fai," Tomoyo says, her smile full of sympathy, her hands reaching out to take one of his own. "I have never known Kurogane to be the type of man to sacrifice so much for someone he doesn't care  _ very _ deeply about." Fai's hand stills in her grasp, and she gives it the gentlest squeeze, her reassuring smile growing. "I think he would very much like for you to be with him."

Fai pauses. He wants to believe it, so badly. But…

Well. He can’t really think of a “but” anymore.

“In fact,” she says, “I think your presence might calm his heart a great deal. Speed up the healing process, even.” Her words are serious, but there’s a slight teasing edge to her voice, like she knows the prospect of Kurogane healing faster is a motivator for him. Even though...

“...I don’t have any healing abilities.”

Tomoyo smiles, a laugh in her eyes, and shakes her head. “I’m not talking about your magic.”

Fai takes in another shaky breath. Tomoyo smiles, because she knows she’s got him - and after a moment, he nods. With that, she turns around and leads the way.

Fai shuts the door behind him and follows her through the hallways to the infirmary. It's a bit of a walk, which surprises him - he would love to explore this castle later, if he has the time, to find out just what about it has had Kurogane so intent on returning here. But it’s not the time. Right now, there’s only one thing on his mind, and it  _ can’t _ wait.

When they get to the door, Fai stops. He suddenly is afraid again, but he’s not given much of a moment to reconsider when Tomoyo starts opening the door and leading him inside - and suddenly, he doesn’t want to wait another second.

As he walks in, it’s another shock to his system for a moment to see Kurogane, still looking very pale, lying on the futon. After the moment it takes his heart to realize what his brain knows - that he’s  _ not _ dead, just asleep - Fai looks him over. He’s been cleaned up and tended to - even any smaller cuts and abrasions taken care of. His bloodied clothes from before have been replaced with clean ones from this country.

But underneath those robes, his entire torso is wrapped in bandages, and Fai can smell the blood before he sees it; a hint of red peeking through from beneath the layers of bandages, betraying just how fresh those wounds are. Not just his arm, but his side - from when Ashura had attacked him before. There’s…  _ a lot _ of blood, still… but Fai takes in a shaky breath, and lets it out - buries his hunger deep,  _ deep _ down. It’s been quite a few days now since he last fed, but he wouldn't  _ dream  _ of doing it right now. Awake or no, willing or not, Kurogane has lost far too much blood, and he is  _ not  _ going to take any more. Not yet.

Fai wanders closer, and Kurogane looks almost peaceful in his sleep. Almost - because there's still the hint of a scowl on his face, a twinge to his brow and a hint of worry _. _ Which Fai could just  _ hit _ him for - how could Kurogane be worried for anyone when  _ he’s _ the one in this condition?

Fai swallows a lump in his throat as he lowers himself to the edge of the futon, and here, up close, he is thrown face-to-face with the reality of what has happened.

Kurogane’s entire left arm is just…  _ gone _ .

He looks vulnerable enough, asleep like this - far deeper asleep than Fai’s ever seen him. But the image of sheer strength he’s come to associate Kurogane with is completely shattered with  _ this. _

Like this, he’ll almost certainly never be able to fight the same way again. Never be quite as able to protect the people he loves.

But then, Fai thinks… Kurogane got himself into this position by doing just that. By protecting the people he…

Fai shakes his head, shakes the thought away. He can’t think about that, not yet. Not yet.

Fai had been in such a state of shock before that he almost could've convinced himself that he'd imagined it all - Kurogane severing his own limb. But right here is the undeniable proof.

Proof that somehow, Fai had become more important to him than his strength.

He is almost scared to touch him, afraid that if he does, the illusion will shatter, and Kurogane will disappear right before his eyes. But his own hand is moving forward faster than he can tell it to stop, and when he carefully reaches out to brush a lock of black hair out of sleeping eyes, there's no illusion to break, no false image to fall away and break his heart. Just a very real, solid, warm cheek to gently press his palm to.

Fai's not sure if he imagines it, but he feels Kurogane turn just slightly in his sleep into that palm, the furrow in his brow softening just a bit. He lets out a breath - one that tickles at Fai's wrist - and Fai almost wants to cry out in relief. He smiles, then - for the first time in a  _ very _ long time now - and places his other hand on top of Kurogane’s, where it lies on his chest. He can feel his heartbeat, now, and that more than anything is enough to finally, truly, make him feel okay.

He hears the quiet click of the door sliding shut behind him, and knows Tomoyo will be waiting just outside. He is grateful to get a moment of privacy; one that he wouldn't have dared to ask for himself.

He brushes his thumb back and forth gently on Kurogane’s cheek, and thinks back on that feeling from earlier.  _ Freedom.  _ He thinks about every curse that’s ever been placed on him, every trap he’d been thrown in and led to. Thinks about how, long ago, he had promised to kill this man if he ever got in his way. This very man who had just looked fate in the eye and said,  _ “Screw you, he’s coming with me.” _ Who had saved a wretch like him without a second thought, without a moment’s consideration for whether it would even work. And how now, contrary to what he’d prepared his whole life to do... instead of wishing him dead, he had been  _ terrified _ that he might not survive.

As obvious as it is now to Fai, that Kurogane couldn’t lose him… he realizes, with a sudden clarity washing over him like a wave, that he can’t lose Kurogane either. He  _ can’t. _

Looking down at him now, so vulnerable, Fai sees anything but weakness. He sees a new and more powerful kind of strength, that maybe Kurogane himself won’t even see when he wakes up. 

But even so, he  _ is  _ going to be less able to protect  _ himself _ this way, and Fai cannot have that.

He tightens his grip on Kurogane’s hand.

He can’t lose him. He can’t lose  _ any _ of them.

Somewhere in his heart, thinking those words for a second time, he realizes the meaning behind them. The feeling he knows had been growing weakly inside him, before Tokyo had shattered everything apart - but that feeling is now back, stronger, steady like a heartbeat, bringing tears stinging to his eyes -

He wants to  _ live. _

He wants to live, to be with these people who have accepted him, come to love him. This man and these kids who have stolen into  _ his _ heart and made a home there - one he will protect with blood and bone, if he has to, the same way Kurogane has - but not with his life.

He’s not going to give that up anymore.

He wants to live with them, and he wants to be selfish about it.

Fai wants to repay Kurogane’s sacrifice. He wants to show him, without a doubt, just how much he has come to mean to him.  He won’t throw his life away, not anymore.

But maybe he can make himself vulnerable for someone he loves, too.

He will talk to Yuuko. He knows what to wish for, and he knows what he’ll have to pay. But that’s okay, he thinks. He understands Kurogane a little more, he realizes with an incredulous smile, when he decides that it’s worth it. Worth it to make yourself vulnerable for the sake of someone else.

So that you can continue on living and fighting, together.

The ultimate act of love.

Fai brushes another strand of Kurogane’s hair back, laughing at the way his own heart speeds up at that thought.

He will talk to Yuuko - later.

But for now, he just wants to stay here. Just wants to watch over Kurogane, and keep him safe. Just a little longer. 


End file.
